I have a picture of me at my absolute skinniest. Of course, it is from high school. I am tiny, in a bikini and you can see my rib cage. I notice my tiny bird-like little wrists. You can see my collar bone jutting out a bit. My shoulders are narrow. But that was 15 years ago, of course I am not that size any more.
Gradually I put on weight during college, all my clothes get tight and I go up a size or so. But I stayed pretty steady with weight during college, never creeping to the OMG stage.
My weight goes up and down. I get married. I have twins, then 18 months later another one. Maternity clothes, transition clothes, baggy t-shirts, elastic waists, etc. After my last pregnancy, I dropped all the baby weight and then some, fitting into those clothes that were hanging in the back of my closet. I felt so good! I was exercising, eating well.
Gradually I put on weight during college, all my clothes get tight and I go up a size or so. But I stayed pretty steady with weight during college, never creeping to the OMG stage.
My weight goes up and down. I get married. I have twins, then 18 months later another one. Maternity clothes, transition clothes, baggy t-shirts, elastic waists, etc. After my last pregnancy, I dropped all the baby weight and then some, fitting into those clothes that were hanging in the back of my closet. I felt so good! I was exercising, eating well.
BUT then, our life transitions began. My husband took a job in another town which left me two hours away with three kids to care for full time and work full time. My weight ballooned. I stopped stepping on the scale. I ate emotionally at night. I was just too tired to care about myself.
And now, it is a year later, I thought being together as a family would help me get motivated and get in shape. But then, there is the stress of having a mortgage in a home you don't live in and renting a tiny apartment and caring for three toddlers and, and, and the list goes on.
I start out every Sunday night by setting out my exercise cloths. I set my alarm to go off and think okay, tomorrow will be the day that I begin. But like all challenges, something happens. Last night it was a coughing three year old that had to sleep on my chest on the couch. So, of course when the alarm went off I turned it off and moved to the bed with my little one for another 2 hours.
I want to begin a diet and exercise program. I really do. I think it would help me feel better, keep up with my three little toddlers. Being in better shape would help me enjoy all the outdoorsy stuff I used to love.
But everytime I try and set some sort of goal I get scared, freeze up and pig out on whatever snacks are in the house. I want to be healthy, not a scary skinny super-model. I want to be happy, not hungry. I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my family, not be some exercise facist and give my kids' some sort of complex. But everytime I put myself into the mindset, my brain goes back to the bad place, where I am always trying to lose weight.
So here's the thing... Can I be healthy fat? Can I just say, it doesn't matter what size clothes I wear? Can I just acknowledge that clothing size is an artificial construct of the fashion industry? Can I ignore my weight when I am in exercise and diet mode? Can I just move my body because I want to? Can I stop fantasizing about buying a bathing suit in some other color than sold black when I magically lose "all the weight"? Can I just be present, in this body, and be thankful to it for two healthy miraculous pregnancies and not deride it's stretch marks and saddlebags?
Can I thank God daily for another day and be grateful for this body He has given me? Maybe if I start there, then maybe I can trust God to get me through, to give me the strength to start this weight loss journey, but not for the weight, for health!
I really don't know. But I am going to try.
I really don't know. But I am going to try.
Dear Pressley,
ReplyDeleteHey it's Jennifer Dann from Sisters bible study....I am so sorry that I missed you the other day at the meeting. I would have loved to see you. I think of you alot and we miss you and your presence in the church and the group.
Sounds like you are doing pretty well in your new place. I know how you feel about being stressed about having a mortgage for a house you don't live in. We are in the same boat as you guys with two payments. I know that God will let our house sell someday, and I am trying to keep the faith.
Hang in there and I will pray for you that you get motivated as you have described for your exercise program. Ugghhh I struggle with that too but luckily Ihave a dog that looks at me and wants to take walks so that is usually my exercise (not enough though).....take care and God bless you........love, Jennifer Dann