Weigh in

Okay, so I am going to start this journey... hopeful this time to make lifestyle changes not just diet.

Weight- 195.7

Ugh!  It is out there!  I way that much!!! 

Let's hope that by next week's weigh in I will see a difference!

The journey begins

I have a picture of me at my absolute skinniest.  Of course, it is from high school.  I am tiny, in a bikini and you can see my rib cage. I notice my tiny bird-like little wrists. You can see my collar bone jutting out a bit. My shoulders are narrow. But that was 15 years ago, of course I am not that size any more. 

Gradually I put on weight during college, all my clothes get tight and I go up a size or so.  But I stayed pretty steady with weight during college, never creeping to the OMG stage. 

My weight goes up and down. I get married. I have twins, then 18 months later another one. Maternity clothes, transition clothes, baggy t-shirts, elastic waists, etc.  After my last pregnancy, I dropped all the baby weight and then some, fitting into those clothes that were hanging in the back of my closet.  I felt so good!  I was exercising, eating well. 

BUT then, our life transitions began.  My husband took a job in another town which left me two hours away with three kids to care for full time and work full time.  My weight ballooned.  I stopped stepping on the scale.  I ate emotionally at night.  I was just too tired to care about myself.

And now, it is a year later, I thought being together as a family would help me get motivated and get in shape.  But then, there is the stress of having a mortgage in a home you don't live in and renting a tiny apartment and caring for three toddlers and, and, and the list goes on.  

I start out every Sunday night by setting out my exercise cloths.  I set my alarm to go off and think okay, tomorrow will be the day that I begin.  But like all challenges, something happens.  Last night it was a coughing three year old that had to sleep on my chest on the couch.  So, of course when the alarm went off I turned it off and moved to the bed with my little one for another 2 hours.  

I want to begin a diet and exercise program. I really do. I think it would help me feel better, keep up with my three little toddlers. Being in better shape would help me enjoy all the outdoorsy stuff I used to love.

But everytime I try and set some sort of goal I get scared, freeze up and pig out on whatever snacks are in the house. I want to be healthy, not a scary skinny super-model. I want to be happy, not hungry. I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my family, not be some exercise facist and give my kids' some sort of complex. But everytime I put myself into the mindset, my brain goes back to the bad place, where I am always trying to lose weight.

So here's the thing... Can I be healthy fat? Can I just say, it doesn't matter what size clothes I wear? Can I just acknowledge that clothing size is an artificial construct of the fashion industry? Can I ignore my weight when I am in exercise and diet mode? Can I just move my body because I want to? Can I stop fantasizing about buying a bathing suit in some other color than sold black when I magically lose "all the weight"? Can I just be present, in this body, and be thankful to it for two healthy miraculous pregnancies and not deride it's stretch marks and saddlebags?

Can I thank God daily for another day and be grateful for this body He has given me?  Maybe if I start there, then maybe I can trust God to get me through, to give me the strength to start this weight loss journey, but not for the weight, for health! 

I really don't know. But I am going to try.